It's Too Soon!!!!

In the hospital...

24 weeks

Tuesday, October 7th we 'turned' 24 weeks. I woke up feeling so accomplished, so proud to have made it to this milestone. Little did I realize how quickly my feelings of accomplishment would turn into fear and desperation.

I was thankful to be doing administrative work that day, and ran up to the perinatology department for my 'quick cervix check.' Be back in about 15 minutes. Well, an hour and a half later, I came back down to the L&D floor, but this time as a patient. My cervix has shortened significantly with signs of what they call 'funneling,' basically meaning it's preparing for delivery...much too early. I was put on the monitors and found that I was contracting quite frequently, with a lot of uterine irritability in between the contractions. The doc's chose the aggressive route with two different kinds of medications to control the contractions, and thankfully my body responded well. IV, antibiotics, continuous monitoring, and steroids to help the babies' lungs mature sooner. All the things I do for patients on a routine basis...only this time I was the patient, and these were my own babies I was concerned about. We talked briefly about the possibility of transferring me to UCSD because they have a higher level NICU, and I think that's when it really hit home that all this was really happening to me, to us, to my precious little babies.

I didn't sleep a wink the first night in the hospital. I sent Rich home to sleep, because I knew he wouldn't sleep at all if he was there, and I could call him if I needed him and he could be there in 10 minutes. I just didn't want him stressing out too much, and wanted him to know that I was okay, and that we were all going to be okay. Once I was left alone, my thoughts began to get the best of me and my mind went into overdrive. After all we've been through, I just couldn't believe this was happening. Only 24 weeks. I knew enough to keep my emotions in check because my body simply could not handle any more stress. I began contracting quite a bit more that night and recieved more medication - and soon I could feel my heart pounding through my chest and my hands shook uncontrollably, a few of the side effects of my new-found friend Terbutaline.

Heather arrived that morning, and as soon as I saw her face I felt like I could breathe again. For some reason, I knew nothing was going to happen to me, to us, as long as she was by my side. Kind of crazy, because what control does she have over my body, right? But her presence eased my mind and kept me busy, and she brought tons of snacks and chocolate and books and magazines and movies and more...along with a good luck Bamboo plant. The bamboo did prove to be good luck because I had very few contractions the rest of that day. We hung out and watched movies and drank chocolate shakes. Bedrest with Heather is the best. Dayna and Charles stopped by to visit with Brayden, and that little guy can put a smile on anyone's face. During times like these, it really makes you appreciate the friends you have in your life - especially when your family is 2000 miles away. Heather spent that night with me on a cot next to my bed, and layed awake with me while I contracted again at 3am and recieved more terbutaline.

Thursday I had another scan in perinatology, and thank goodness my cervix hadn't gotten any shorter than Tuesday's scan. So the perinatologist consulted with my OB doctor, and soon my IV was coming out and Rich was headed in from work to pick me up! Yea, I got to go home! On strict bedrest of course, and taking the terbutaline to keep the contractions away if they're more than 6 an hour...but there's nothing like your own bed.

My day is consumed with lying either in bed or on the couch, literally counting contractions all day long to see when I need another dose of terbutaline. I've found that I have the most contractions in the afternoon and around 3am, so typically I need my friend 'Terb' twice a day right now. Rich has been such an amazing support. If I'm on my feet or sitting upright more than a few minutes at a time, I begin contracting. So he's been an absolute godsend to me and these babies, making my meals and making sure I'm comfortable and not contracting. He has a lot on his shoulders now - literally everything around the house is on him. As guilty as I feel when he's rushing around doing chores or making me dinner, I know that my job is more important than his right now...keeping these babies inside of me is the biggest job I've ever had in my life. But I am so appreciative and feel so incredibly lucky to have Rich as my husband. I don't know if I could do this without him.

When hearing the news, some people respond with, 'wow, you're lucky - all you have to do is lie around all day.' But truly, bedrest is quite difficult, especially on your mind. Of course the little aches and pains, especially on the back and neck. But the hardest part is the emotional aspect of all of this. There is a sense of terrible guilt that you're failing them, that you're not doing your best, that you're not being a good mom...even though I feel no control over my body and what is happening right now. These babies mean the world to us, and they have to be okay. There are no guarantees in life - we've certainly learned this. But I wish someone would guarantee me that they will be okay, that I can do this, that they will stay inside of there and keep growing bigger and stronger.

On Thursday we have another appointment with the perinatologist to recheck the babies' growth as well as another cervix check. Hopefully my cervix will stay strong with this week of bedrest and terbutaline and I will be able to come home. If I need to be re-admitted to the hospital, I'm okay with that too - whatever is best for the babies. The girls at work will take phenomenal care of me, as they did last week. But for now I'm enjoying my ocean view from my bed!

I used to say I was hoping for two 5 pounders. Now I'm just hoping for each new day, for each new week. For nothing but two healthy babies. Time for a consultation with my friend 'Terb'...